I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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