you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
