She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Randomize
