Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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