he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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