Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
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I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
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When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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