Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
We don't watch enough power rangers
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Randomize
