he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Randomize
