I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
why do cheetos always look like penises
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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