Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
