Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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