i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Randomize
