True but thats because hes a fetus.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
