Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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