Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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