you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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