I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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