I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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