Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
