Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
