I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
