why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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