tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Just high enough for therapy.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
