I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
