So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
