Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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