Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
