I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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