I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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