I didn't shave. On purpose
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
