u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
