She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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