Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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