i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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