I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
