We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Panties = found
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
