Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
