Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
