oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
