I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Randomize
