I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
