My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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