I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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