I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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