im having a threesome with these popsicles
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
