I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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