While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
