I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.