You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
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It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
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