The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.