You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
