I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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