hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Randomize
