I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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