According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
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he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
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What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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