evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
