if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
